Known outage report for Western Washington

We’re sorry. The website <http://pinklightsabre.com&gt; is temporarily out of service in your area and not accepting new patients. This is a Known Outage. If you believe you’ve received this notice in error, we’re sorry again. There are no paragraph breaks in this recording. If you would like to leave a message, please have your Case Number ready and your mother’s maiden name. If you have children, high-resolution JPEGS are safe with us and won’t go any further we promise. Expect a longer-than-normal response time due to longer-than-anticipated call volumes and no urgency it’s your problem not ours. Once you’ve processed your application it will be reviewed by a Human Authentication Wizard with self-guided prompts best experienced on a PC with up-to-date anti-virus protection, autocorrection software, spermicide jellies, caps or sponges. The H.A.W. — aka Human Authentication Wizard — will suss out droids and spam for the mold spores you are and scrub you like shit off our shoes, for tracking purposes and our Database. Because this is a Known Outage there is the possibility for ground collapse and exposure to fatal gases. Stay out of the area behind the sign. Trespassers are subject to persecution. Do not leave a message at the beep this line is unattended and encrypted with anti-spam bee pollen. If you would like to unsubscribe to these notices you can do so by contacting Customer Support at 1-800 DRY-HUMP. Once service is restored in your area you will be contacted by a customer service representative wearing a hoodie on your porch. Thank you for contacting the Internet and &lt;have a nice da&gt <end of message>

About pinklightsabre

William Pearse publishes memoir, travel journals, poetry and prose, and lives in the Pacific Northwest.
This entry was posted in humor and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

25 Responses to Known outage report for Western Washington

  1. rossmurray1 says:

    For whatever reason, they used to show Logan’s Run on TV growing up, possibly because Farrah Fawcett was in it, who knows. I thought it was the bee’s knees. Then I saw Star Wars and everything changed. But I remember this one kid at camp defending Logan’s Run over Star Wars. It might have been the same kid who claimed to have invented some masturbation machine involving a battery motor, Legos and rubber bands. Naturally, I told him he was nuts. Now I’m not so sure; it’s been a long time since I’ve seen Logan’s Run, and if I could just get my hand on a battery motor…

    Like

    • pinklightsabre says:

      That kid who invented the masturbation machine with the rubber bands and Legos is the same one who did the cantina scene in Star Wars: geeks with money and a chip on their shoulder now.

      Like

  2. ksbeth says:

    will they come and get me if i unsubscribe? signed, hips (hiding in plain sight)

    Like

    • pinklightsabre says:

      I like HIPS. And if I had more energy now I’d riff off your unsubscribe thing, I like that. Thanks Beth! Too much German-learning now for adult minds, tonight.

      Like

  3. walt walker says:

    The internets are very rude.

    Like

  4. Tish Farrell says:

    Reblogged this on Tish Farrell and commented:
    Today, Mak (Makagutu) at Random Thoughts is quizzing us about the length of blog posts: what is acceptable to us blogger-readers. The general consensus so far is that the quality of the writing is the key. So here’s a post from Pinklightsabre’s Blog (whose longer posts I also read with great pleasure). This post is short, funny, zips off the screen and is wholly of our time. So this is my response to Mak’s question: good writing will out every time. Please enjoy!

    Like

  5. Tish Farrell says:

    Hi, Bill. Just reblogged this. Thank you for making me laugh before I am hardly awake. Cheers!

    Like

    • pinklightsabre says:

      How cool! Now I know what time you rise so I can time my posts better to catch you before your true discretion has set in. Have a lovely day (you’re probably having it already). Best, – Bill

      Liked by 1 person

  6. makagutu says:

    That’s a customer service you can count on not to do anything to help.
    Hilarious post.

    Like

  7. jamborobyn says:

    I am not even sure why I was laughing or what I was laughing at… Some kind of crazy but in a good way.

    Like

    • pinklightsabre says:

      Wonderful! Thanks Jambo and glad it made you laugh. I love your photo on your blog, and thank you for stopping by mine! Laughter is a tonic sometimes isn’t it? Take care, – Bill

      Liked by 1 person

  8. You didn’t mention that Customer Service for the internets also wants your blood type, time and volume of your last BM, and the super-sneaky-double-secret-probation PIN number (chosen at random from all characters in the last web page you viewed)

    Love the post!

    Like

    • pinklightsabre says:

      Ha, ha, ha…we really could go on here couldn’t we? I like the BM reference. We could prop this up into some Orson Welles hoax if we wanted. Thank you Peg, lovely to hear from you.

      Like

  9. vastlycurious.com says:

    This is SO funny. My first belly laugh of the day and Tish sent me 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Pingback: What makes High Baroque high? | Pinklightsabre's Blog

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