Known outage report for Western Washington

We’re sorry. The website <; is temporarily out of service in your area and not accepting new patients. This is a Known Outage. If you believe you’ve received this notice in error, we’re sorry again. There are no paragraph breaks in this recording. If you would like to leave a message, please have your Case Number ready and your mother’s maiden name. If you have children, high-resolution JPEGS are safe with us and won’t go any further we promise. Expect a longer-than-normal response time due to longer-than-anticipated call volumes and no urgency it’s your problem not ours. Once you’ve processed your application it will be reviewed by a Human Authentication Wizard with self-guided prompts best experienced on a PC with up-to-date anti-virus protection, autocorrection software, spermicide jellies, caps or sponges. The H.A.W. — aka Human Authentication Wizard — will suss out droids and spam for the mold spores you are and scrub you like shit off our shoes, for tracking purposes and our Database. Because this is a Known Outage there is the possibility for ground collapse and exposure to fatal gases. Stay out of the area behind the sign. Trespassers are subject to persecution. Do not leave a message at the beep this line is unattended and encrypted with anti-spam bee pollen. If you would like to unsubscribe to these notices you can do so by contacting Customer Support at 1-800 DRY-HUMP. Once service is restored in your area you will be contacted by a customer service representative wearing a hoodie on your porch. Thank you for contacting the Internet and &lt;have a nice da&gt <end of message>

Categories: humor

Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

25 replies

  1. For whatever reason, they used to show Logan’s Run on TV growing up, possibly because Farrah Fawcett was in it, who knows. I thought it was the bee’s knees. Then I saw Star Wars and everything changed. But I remember this one kid at camp defending Logan’s Run over Star Wars. It might have been the same kid who claimed to have invented some masturbation machine involving a battery motor, Legos and rubber bands. Naturally, I told him he was nuts. Now I’m not so sure; it’s been a long time since I’ve seen Logan’s Run, and if I could just get my hand on a battery motor…


    • That kid who invented the masturbation machine with the rubber bands and Legos is the same one who did the cantina scene in Star Wars: geeks with money and a chip on their shoulder now.


  2. will they come and get me if i unsubscribe? signed, hips (hiding in plain sight)


    • I like HIPS. And if I had more energy now I’d riff off your unsubscribe thing, I like that. Thanks Beth! Too much German-learning now for adult minds, tonight.


  3. The internets are very rude.


  4. Reblogged this on Tish Farrell and commented:
    Today, Mak (Makagutu) at Random Thoughts is quizzing us about the length of blog posts: what is acceptable to us blogger-readers. The general consensus so far is that the quality of the writing is the key. So here’s a post from Pinklightsabre’s Blog (whose longer posts I also read with great pleasure). This post is short, funny, zips off the screen and is wholly of our time. So this is my response to Mak’s question: good writing will out every time. Please enjoy!


  5. Hi, Bill. Just reblogged this. Thank you for making me laugh before I am hardly awake. Cheers!


    • How cool! Now I know what time you rise so I can time my posts better to catch you before your true discretion has set in. Have a lovely day (you’re probably having it already). Best, – Bill

      Liked by 1 person

  6. That’s a customer service you can count on not to do anything to help.
    Hilarious post.


  7. I am not even sure why I was laughing or what I was laughing at… Some kind of crazy but in a good way.


    • Wonderful! Thanks Jambo and glad it made you laugh. I love your photo on your blog, and thank you for stopping by mine! Laughter is a tonic sometimes isn’t it? Take care, – Bill

      Liked by 1 person

  8. You didn’t mention that Customer Service for the internets also wants your blood type, time and volume of your last BM, and the super-sneaky-double-secret-probation PIN number (chosen at random from all characters in the last web page you viewed)

    Love the post!


    • Ha, ha, ha…we really could go on here couldn’t we? I like the BM reference. We could prop this up into some Orson Welles hoax if we wanted. Thank you Peg, lovely to hear from you.


  9. This is SO funny. My first belly laugh of the day and Tish sent me 🙂

    Liked by 1 person


  1. What makes High Baroque high? | Pinklightsabre's Blog

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