We’re sorry. The website <http://pinklightsabre.com&gt; is temporarily out of service in your area and not accepting new patients. This is a Known Outage. If you believe you’ve received this notice in error, we’re sorry again. There are no paragraph breaks in this recording. If you would like to leave a message, please have your Case Number ready and your mother’s maiden name. If you have children, high-resolution JPEGS are safe with us and won’t go any further we promise. Expect a longer-than-normal response time due to longer-than-anticipated call volumes and no urgency it’s your problem not ours. Once you’ve processed your application it will be reviewed by a Human Authentication Wizard with self-guided prompts best experienced on a PC with up-to-date anti-virus protection, autocorrection software, spermicide jellies, caps or sponges. The H.A.W. — Human Authentication Wizard — will suss out droids and spam for the mold spores you are and scrub you like shit off our shoes, for tracking purposes and our Database. Because this is a Known Outage there is the possibility for ground collapse and exposure to fatal gases. Stay out of the area behind the sign. Trespassers are subject to persecution. Do not leave a message at the beep this line is unattended and encrypted with anti-spam bee pollen. If you would like to unsubscribe to these notices you can do so by contacting Customer Support at 1-800 DRY-HUMP. Once service is restored in your area you will be contacted by a customer service representative wearing a hoodie on your porch. Thank you for contacting the Internet and &lt;have a nice da&gt <end of message>

We're enjoying our surroundings and reflecting on this time of a lifetime!

11 replies

  1. Very original. I enjoyed every word of that! Thanks. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. LOL does not compute… I think I want to talk like this all day…

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Yay! For being “discovered.” I love your writing style and look forward to the follow.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you my friend! Happy you enjoy it: I like the name of your site, as I’m playing with memory myself these days. It’s a funny thing. Thanks for the note and stopping by. Best, Bill

      Liked by 2 people

  4. I await the service representative with the hoodie on my porch. Perhaps he/she/it can explain why pink and why lightsabre.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Not sure if this translates, but have you ever sat around with friends drinking wine and conspiring on hypothetical punk band names? That explains this, that’s all I have. No Joy Division, nothing so stark. Thanks for asking Joy, Bill

      Liked by 2 people

      • Yes I have, and yes that makes perfect sense now. I only wish I could remember some of the band names my friends and I came up with over the years (I think we get bonus points for actually jamming in the basement after such discussions; nobody should have ever given me a mic). But I can’t remember, sadly. Did I mention that drinking was involved? Ah, that might explain it. Glad you remembered yours.

        Liked by 2 people

      • Ha, well I’m glad you get it then, Joy, the drinking adds a special polish to things. Bill

        Liked by 2 people

  5. Oy! This isn’t my father’s About page! (apologies to Oldsmobile) And how apropos, that I’m reading this after having read your Jan 27 post on Orwell and 1984.
    Now I know what this blogsite will be about, I’ll tarry no further in taking my leap of fate. Onward through the slog! (Er… Onward through the _blog_!)

    Liked by 2 people

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