‘Alright, first things first. Testing? Is this on. Ok. March — no, April! April what is it, April 18. Too many leftover Easter cookies, not that good. The dog smacking her lips, changing positions for another nap. Some bird makes a sound that’s like dried seeds rattling in a maracas. Today I counted how many years I’ve been going to my favorite spot on the coast (twenty nine, more than half my life) and I’m serious that’s where I want my ashes spread. It’s like nothing changes out there. You could imagine yourself never really disappearing.

‘We watched more of the show Brad recommended, House of David. It’s just good enough with the casting and storytelling, probably more the routine of having something to do every night. And I carried on with my book, could feel now I was more than halfway through. Actually got a twinge of sadness from that, the way you might when you’re binge-watching episodes in a show and it’s the final season or getting down to the end of a vacation. I can remember the day I bought the book and how excited I was it was so thick.

‘The itch is coming back on my scalp but I can’t tell if it’s the fungal problem or just a normal itch. I’m wary of itches now. There’s a mousse hormonal treatment but it’s $60 for a little bottle after insurance so I was saving the second bottle and now I’m thinking I should probably just use it. But then my hair looks moussed all day and never really assimilates and I find it distracting. Probably less so than the itch though.

‘Saturday we were in Bellevue and walked past the bar I used to go to when Lily was doing her weekly LGBTQ advocacy group or whatever it was called. I mentioned it to Charlotte, I pointed and said that’s the bar where I used to go when Lily was doing her LGBTQ advocacy group. Charlotte didn’t say anything. I’m not sure why I mentioned it. There weren’t that many people there for a Saturday.

‘On Easter we went to the sunrise service at Beaver Lake, my first one. Pastor Ric played guitar and we all sang. I wondered if the people who lived on the lake could hear us but it was probably too cool for anyone to have their windows open. I felt like a Jesus freak for the first time, standing there singing at 6:30 in the morning. Also like a scene from the animated film The Grinch where the Whos are caroling and look happy, I felt like that.

‘I remembered later that morning, walking at the park by myself, that Easter Sunday is when I lost my virginity and I thought it would be funny to say “He has risen!,” but then I thought maybe not. There’s no date you can associate with it because Easter’s so variable it could have been March or April. I just know I had to work that Sunday and they never saw me look so happy coming in to the CVS.

‘Dawn said there’s evidence that people who believe in some kind of faith or higher power do have increased success rates with addiction recovery. It doesn’t even have to be real, what they believe in. I started thinking walking every morning in the park was good for me or reading David Wallace. I went looking for my phone and realized it was right there in my hand, I recorded the whole thing.’

Categories: Creative Nonfiction, Diary, Errata

Tags: Addiction, Creative Nonfiction, journal writing